This is NOT a resolution. (It totally is.)
My grandmother is a magic woman. She is not kind, but she is caring. She is not patient, but she is always there. She is in perpetual motion. She owns a hammock. I don't know why. I have literally never seen her use it. At midnight on her 80th birthday, she was riding the roller coaster at Space Mountain.
I want to be her, but I also don't. I want to be my version of her. I don't know if that's possible, though. I think her fierceness is required. The sharpness and kinetic-ness of her must come with the loyalty and strength. I'm too soft. I'm too slow. My edges are uglier and any wounds I inflict the way she does wouldn't be cauterized with love behind them.
I think of her accomplishments often. I measure myself by them. I fall short. Never mind the 46 years she has on me. They are my bar. She is my bar. She is an amazing bar. Anyone who could measure up to her would have lived an excellent, beautiful, worthy life. And I know I never, ever, ever will.
There have been many days (that's a lie -- years) where knowing that has knocked me down. And it's not just about her, it's about Gandhi and George Washington and Maya Angelou and the librarian at my kids' school. It's about the hundred million bars I feel like I need to measure myself against. It's about the bars I set for my kids.
Having a code of conduct to live by is good. My problem is that I put a value amount on how much of that code I feel I've accomplished. And the amount I have to reach to be "good" is dictated by the accomplishments of others. And that's when it all goes downhill.
SO. I say all that to say this. I am done with the value amounts. I'm done worrying if my kids are as good as someone else's. I'm done worrying if my house is as clean, if I cook as many home cooked meals with as many healthy ingredients, if my hair is as styled, if my personal code of conduct is as appropriate. I have lived 38 years of my life not wanting to stand out too much, not wanting to get in trouble. I have been diplomatic about expressing my personal views because I didn't want someone to think me less because of them.
It has taken me 38 years to truly grok that there is no one perfect bar. I am not less. I'm just different. This is what I want to live the rest of my life being okay with. (If y'all are the praying/mojo-giving/Force-believing sort, feel free to share in my direction, because I'm falling off this wagon more than once. BUT I WILL GET BACK ON.)
I will do no harm.
I will help others when I can.
I will care for myself when I cannot help others.
And if I cannot do any of these things, I will go to bed, get up the next day, and try again.
AND. I will write more. Really. I will.
Also, here's a cat picture, because you deserve it for slogging through that mess.
I want to be her, but I also don't. I want to be my version of her. I don't know if that's possible, though. I think her fierceness is required. The sharpness and kinetic-ness of her must come with the loyalty and strength. I'm too soft. I'm too slow. My edges are uglier and any wounds I inflict the way she does wouldn't be cauterized with love behind them.
I think of her accomplishments often. I measure myself by them. I fall short. Never mind the 46 years she has on me. They are my bar. She is my bar. She is an amazing bar. Anyone who could measure up to her would have lived an excellent, beautiful, worthy life. And I know I never, ever, ever will.
There have been many days (that's a lie -- years) where knowing that has knocked me down. And it's not just about her, it's about Gandhi and George Washington and Maya Angelou and the librarian at my kids' school. It's about the hundred million bars I feel like I need to measure myself against. It's about the bars I set for my kids.
Having a code of conduct to live by is good. My problem is that I put a value amount on how much of that code I feel I've accomplished. And the amount I have to reach to be "good" is dictated by the accomplishments of others. And that's when it all goes downhill.
SO. I say all that to say this. I am done with the value amounts. I'm done worrying if my kids are as good as someone else's. I'm done worrying if my house is as clean, if I cook as many home cooked meals with as many healthy ingredients, if my hair is as styled, if my personal code of conduct is as appropriate. I have lived 38 years of my life not wanting to stand out too much, not wanting to get in trouble. I have been diplomatic about expressing my personal views because I didn't want someone to think me less because of them.
It has taken me 38 years to truly grok that there is no one perfect bar. I am not less. I'm just different. This is what I want to live the rest of my life being okay with. (If y'all are the praying/mojo-giving/Force-believing sort, feel free to share in my direction, because I'm falling off this wagon more than once. BUT I WILL GET BACK ON.)
I will do no harm.
I will help others when I can.
I will care for myself when I cannot help others.
And if I cannot do any of these things, I will go to bed, get up the next day, and try again.
AND. I will write more. Really. I will.
Also, here's a cat picture, because you deserve it for slogging through that mess.
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